The Gay B C’s of Gender: L Is for Lesbian Bed Dying | Autostraddle July 5, 2024

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Thanks for visiting
The Gay B C’s of Gender
! Every month we’ll define yet another sex-related phrase which is utilized within queer community. We’ll build these meanings with help from queer archives, pop tradition, interviews and more. Take into account that language — especially when you are considering gender — differs commonly across communities, and no solitary description or article can encapsulate every person’s knowledge about these terms and conditions. Make use of this line as a jumping down point for your own representation and talk from inside the feedback.

“Lesbian sleep demise” seems like an ideal title for a goth punk band, and is, in reality, the name of
a UK-based goth punk group
. But I am not referring to music. I’m speaing frankly about this:

lesbian bed demise

(letter.) – the theory that lesbian couples feel a sharp fall in intercourse over the course of a relationship

“Have you ever heard of lesbian bed passing? We find out about it on line. It is when two lesbians date for long enough, they become like sisters. And Blaine and I are like an old wedded pair — a wonderful outdated married couple like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward — but I don’t consider we’ve had an unscheduled makeout program in, like, a month.”

— Kurt in Season 3, Episode 17 of



If you are a lesbian or you align because of the lesbian area in some manner, you may worry lesbian bed demise. Perhaps you feel the reputation of lesbian sex sits upon the strong, lesbian (or lesbian-adjacent) arms and so YOU SHOULD HUMP A LEG AT LEAST ONE TIME EVERYDAY FOR ALL THE INFLUENCE! Let’s cut to the chase: “bed passing” does not just occur in lesbian interactions. The majority of connections — regardless of genders and orientations of those involved — experience “bed death,” or, to utilize gentler terms, a short-term or long-term reduction in sexual activity at some point.

Where performed this notion of


bed passing come from? Apply your Lesbian Sweater Vests, ’cause we’re planning to perform a little research.

Between 1978 and 1979, personal psychologist Philip Blumstein and sociologist Pepper Schwartz — more recently named a commitment expert regarding the fact series

Hitched initially Sight —

shipped out relationship surveys to couples in major US locations. 12,000 couples volunteered to fill out their particular surveys, including 788 lesbian lovers. In 1983, Blumstein and Schwartz published their particular results in

United States Partners: Funds, Work, Gender


The study duo figured lesbian partners (in this situation, they suggested cisgender feamales in interactions with other cisgender ladies) have intercourse less often versus other kinds of couples they studied (heterosexual married people, heterosexual cohabitating couples and homosexual male lovers) which lesbian partners’ intercourse reduces over the course of their unique relationships.

This kind of research
was slammed
throughout the years due to a number of elements, including their methodology (the review concerns were not created with a lesbian market in mind) and its own skewed trial (the respondents had been primarily white and affluent). In spite of the study’s dilemmas, it seems like Blumstein and Schwartz had been onto some thing.
Further scientific studies
have likewise unearthed that lesbians have sexual intercourse significantly less often than individuals of different orientations. But the idea that lesbian couples experience waning need after a while — really,
that’s true for

the majority of

in lasting relationships, plus it was also genuine the heterosexual and homosexual partners that Blumstein and Schwartz surveyed.

At this stage, you are probably wanting to know where in fact the community got the theory that

lesbians in particular

knowledge this huge, bad thing known as “lesbian bed passing,” and friend, I wish i possibly could tell you. I cannot actually inform you where phase originated — because it seems that, NOBODY KNOWS!

While Blumstein and Schwartz appear to have launched the concept of lesbian bed demise, they never ever utilized the phase inside their publication. The three ladies who are most frequently paid with coining “lesbian sleep death” consist of:

Lesbian Sex

author Joann Loulan, lesbian comedian Kate Clinton and, definitely, Dr. Pepper Schwartz. When Dr. Michele O’Mara was creating the woman PhD dissertation on lesbian sexuality,
she requested all three among these ladies
when they had produced the definition of “lesbian bed demise” into the public field. Loulan denied it, Clinton denied it and Schwartz mentioned, “Unfortunately, We have no memory space regarding it — so I can not refute or verify!”

The actual fact that its origins are mysterious, the term “lesbian bed passing” will continue to loom in queer (and straight) imagination. Why? Well, it really is catchy. Also it appears frightening. In case you’re having less intercourse with a long-lasting companion, that’s not always a bad thing — especially if you’re a queer individual. Blumstein and Schwartz recognized that volume of gender in a relationship probably isn’t as essential as the

top quality

of gender in an union, as well as this time, numerous research indicates that lesbians take part in some excellent boot knockin’ — even though they aren’t sex that frequently. Queer men and women probably don’t need to glance at studies to trust that, but assuming that we are however putting on our very own Lesbian Sweater Vests, let’s enter into it:

Research shows
that lesbians have sexual intercourse for considerably longer time period than folks of different orientations, plus
this 2017 learn
, 86 % of lesbians reported that the usually or always orgasm during sex, versus 65 per cent of direct women. From everything I can tell, these researches just surveyed cisgender women that are lesbians, but I’m positive that numerous trans and non-binary lesbians have actually likewise long and lavish gender classes. It will be also noted your wide range of orgasms or even the duration of a sex period are not the universal markers of gender high quality — we all know that people determine “good sex” in different ways, right?

If you’re looking over this post as you’re in an overall anxiety about lesbian bed demise, remember this: it’s typical for sex to ebb and move in a relationship. Therefore doesn’t matter how many times you and your partner(s) make love or how much time the intercourse continues — so long as you and your partner(s) are happy with
the amount of intercourse
you are having. If in case you are not having much intercourse, that doesn’t mean
your union is destined
. There are various factors why you will enjoy “lesbian sleep death” (or any type of “bed death”). Perchance you generally have intercourse for very long periods of time, while do not have the energy for a three-hour romp. Maybe you and/or your partner(s) fall someplace according to the
asexual umbrella
, and you’re maybe not desiring gender commonly or anyway. Possibly a number of associates within commitment are experiencing a lesser libido because of physical or mental illness, aging, anxiety, conflict, human anatomy picture struggles, intimate injury,
the state of globally
, etc. Maybe you’re raising young ones or perhaps you began another work, and you just don’t have the privacy or time and energy to bang nowadays. Which is regular, and in case you and your partner(s) tend to be fine thereupon, then you definitely do not need to alter something.

If, but you are

maybe not

happy with the lack of gender within union, you are not by yourself, and that is some thing you will want to address with your partner(s). Having sexual needs is an ordinary and appropriate thing! Only at Autostraddle, we’ve gotten many concerns in regards to our
You’ll need Support column
the A+ information field
concerning how to have sex
after experiencing intimate stress
, how to approach
mismatched intercourse drives
, how exactly to initiate
a lot more sex with a long-lasting lover
and a lot more. If you’re uncertain just how to talk to your companion about sex, browse Autostraddle’s information posts or
distribute a concern of your personal
— our very own article authors constantly supply excellent comments.

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